


The Long Weekend

by GeniaTheParadox



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Angst, Blood Drinking, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Smut, Vampire Sex, but only a little smut, if i actually finish this it'll be a miracle because i am the worst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 01:03:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6307864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeniaTheParadox/pseuds/GeniaTheParadox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard and Vince want to spend a relaxing weekend together. But we don't always get what we want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friday

**Author's Note:**

> At last, the Howince Vampire AU I've been wanting to write for so long. I've been planning this for like a year, I don't know what's taken me so long. I'm a slow writer though, so updates will take a while. But I'm going to finish this, I have to, I love this AU too damn much to leave this incomplete. 
> 
> Oh yeah, and this is ever so slightly based on the movie Only Lovers Left Alive, my favourite vampire movie (which I've already written a Sherlock AU about, but that was ages ago and just a one-shot).

The thing they don’t tell you about becoming a vampire is that it completely messes up your concept of time. Seconds can feel like hours, years fly by in what seems like days. Everything close by is in slow motion while the rest of the world whizzes past like someone’s hit fast forward while you’re not looking. But in the late afternoon on this particular Friday, time was moving in an altogether _human_ pace. And for Howard TJ Moon it was absolutely maddening.

It was mid-winter, Howard’s favourite time of year – the long nights and mostly overcast days gave him plenty of time to get things done without all that pesky direct sunlight making him all droopy and lethargic – and he was having a tidy up just to keep himself busy. It was only 5’o’clock. He couldn’t _believe_ it was only 5’o’clock. Only an hour had passed since he’d woken up in his disappointingly empty bed and prepared his usual breakfast of a nice hot mug of AB Positive – he almost set out a second, more brightly coloured mug just out of habit. Only forty-five minutes has passed since he’d showered and dressed in his best corduroy, roll neck and muted Hawaiian shirt combo, and carefully groomed his moustache in the bathroom mirror, that old myth about his kind not having reflections keeping him faintly amused as always. Only half an hour since he’d started _very slowly_ completely a few chores around the flat just so he had something to do – dusting Stationary Village, reorganising his collection of rare jazz LPs, polishing his trumpet (which sounded like a euphemism, but wasn’t), doing all of the laundry, hoovering, going into a small stress-induced jazz trance, changing the bed sheets, and now he was tidying up the clutter in the living room.

How had that only taken half an hour? Why was time moving so slowly?

Howard put it down to anxiety. Not his usual anxiety, mind – ‘anxious’ being more of a permanent personality trait by now – but a kind of nervous energy that was making every second last about a week and half. Howard was, dare he even think it, _excited_. Vince was finally coming home tonight.

It used to be that Howard and Vince could be apart for years at a time and neither would be too heartbroken about it. There were long periods during the 1970s and 80s where they didn’t see each other at all. But clearly Howard was getting sentimental in his advancing years, because a month without Vince had all but driven him mad. And a lonely, pining, lovesick Howard Moon was not a fun person to be around.

At about 8’o’clock the quiet footsteps of Naboo, South London shaman and begrudging landlord, broke the silence of the darkened living room. He spotted Howard stood like a statue at the window, staring out into the night without moving a muscle, and rolled his eyes. _Vampires._ So bloody dramatic. But hey, Naboo noted with a quirked eyebrow, at least the flat was spotless.

“Alright, Howard?”

Howard spoke without looking away from the window, without even really moving at all. “What time is it?”

Naboo checked the monkey-face clock on the wall. “’bout a quarter past eight.”

“Vince said no later than 9pm,” Howard sighed. “Where is he?”

“Relax,” Naboo lisped. “He’s probably on his way.”

“I just need to see him,” Howard quietly insisted. “It’s been so long…”

“It’s been a month, you berk,” said Naboo with a scoff. “Ain’t that like, twenty minutes in bloodsucker time?”

Howard winced at the window. “I do wish you wouldn’t call us that.”

Naboo ignored him. “Speakin’ of which, I got your supplies.”

He placed a cooler on the kitchen table, a cooler similar to the kind used in hospitals to transport human organs. The actual contents were no less grim, but Naboo wasn’t one to judge. At least not out loud.

“Everything you asked for,” he said. “Plus a bottle of that O Negative you wanted for Vince. When he gets back tell him I said hi, yeah?”

“Thank you, Naboo… wait – where are you going?”

“Me and Bollo are off on a bit of shaman business, we’ll be back on Sunday. Clean up after yourselves, stay outta the shop and _don’t touch my stuff._ See yah.”

Naboo had left before Howard could think about actually responding, but he was relieved that they could have the flat to themselves for the weekend once Vince came home. Why wasn’t he home yet? Howard didn’t move from the window for another hour and a half that felt like at least a decade or two, before a black cab finally stopped outside the shop and Howard let his face break into a wide smile. Finally. _Finally._

Howard hurried downstairs and out into the street just as a figure stepped gracefully out of the cab. Vince Noir was a vision, perfect from the tips of his raven black hair down the platform heels of his big silver boots. He was wrapped in a black fur coat, fashionably huge sunglasses covering his eyes, his flawlessly pale skin glowing in the early evening moonlight. He really was glowing too, in a way that only Howard could see – clearly he was using his Charm to get in the cabbie’s good graces, if the sight of the driver happily struggling to pull all of Vince’s heavy suitcases out of the boot and insisting that the journey was free of charge was anything to go by. Howard knew by now not to take that sort of thing too personally. Vince didn’t actually _want_ every human he met to fancy him, he just didn’t like paying for things. And his Charm had always been unusually powerful. Vince smiled as the cab drove away.

“Alright, babe. Did you miss me?”

“More than you know, little man.”

Howard helped carry Vince’s suitcases into the flat, his spirits quickly lifting as he watched Vince slip out of his fur coat. The flat was feeling more like a home already.

“Were you stress-cleaning again, Howard?” Vince asked as he looked around.

“I was just excited to see you,” said Howard, gathering Vince into his arms. “I thought I’d channel all that energy into something constructive.”

Vince removed his sunglasses and tossed them on the sofa, and Howard couldn’t help but notice Vince’s eyes. It wasn’t just the usual startling blue. They were darkened, bloodshot, almost frightening to look at. Howard reached up and lightly touched Vince’s cheek.

“You haven’t fed,” he said, unable to disguise the concern in his voice.

Vince sighed. “Not for a couple of days, no. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had the chance, and then there was the journey home and everything. Don’t worry about me though, yeah? I’m fine.”

“It’s my job to worry about you, treasure,” said Howard softly. “Naboo brought over some fresh supplies before he left for his shady shaman business. And I asked him to get a special little something just for your homecoming.”

“Oh, Howard,” Vince said fondly. “I know I wasn’t even gone for that long, and it’s not like I was on the other side of the world or anything, but I _really_ missed you.”

Howard smiled, leaning in to plant a gentle kiss on Vince’s lips. “I missed you too, Vince. I hated being away from you.”

“Oh God, listen to us!” Vince laughed. “We’re getting well clingy in our old age.”

As evening turned to night Howard and Vince relaxed together on the sofa, enjoying a delicious glass of O Negative each as Vince recounted everything he’d been up to during their month apart. He had been touring in Berlin, singing lead vocals with his latest band. Kraftwerk Orange were an electro band consisting of two girls calling themselves Neon and Ultra and someone who insisted on being called Johnny Two-Hats and, much to Howard’s derision, they were all perfectly ordinary human beings. Vince had been in a lot of bands and had lots of friends, all of them human. Unlike Howard, he had always enjoyed the company of humans, especially musicians, artists and trendy Camden types – the kind of people who never question why someone might wear sunglasses all the time, or rarely go out during the day, or never be seen eating food. Howard, on the other hand, wasn’t particularly fond of human company, except for the occasional stuffy academic or legendary jazz musician. He found the sound of their heartbeats a little unsettling. And he had always preferred Vince’s company to anyone else’s.

“It was genius, Howard,” said Vince, his eyes looking much brighter as he drained the last few drops of O Negative from his wine glass. “You should’ve seen me on stage, I was a mesmeriser. Throwing shapes like a mother-bitch, you would’ve been well impressed. That Johnny Two-Hats was being a proper dickhead the whole time though. I reckon he’s jealous of my stage presence. I mean, no one pays him any attention since I joined the band, but then we wouldn’t have even been on tour in the first place if I _hadn’t_ joined the band, so he can shove his extra hat up his arse for all I care. I wish you could’ve seen me though, babe. I know you don’t like electro, but there’s no way you wouldn’t have enjoyed the shapes I was throwing. Why didn’t you come with me?”

“Do you honestly believe that your fellow band members would’ve been okay with me being there?” Howard scoffed, refilling his and Vince’s glasses. “Those girls already look at me like I’m some kind of scientific oddity, I doubt they’d have been over the moon to have me on tour with you all, cramping your style.”

“You wouldn’t have cramped our style!” Vince insisted. “Yeah, Johnny’s a twat, but the girls are alright. They said you’re an _eccentric character.”_

Howard rolled his eyes. “Oh, really? Was that before or after they asked you if I was your Dad?”

Vince held back a giggle. “…after? But c’mon, it’s not like it’s the first time that’s happened. And they changed their tune when they saw you kiss me goodbye at the airport.”

“Hmm…”

Howard hid his frown before his wine glass. Their age difference was a bit of a sore spot for him. You see, technically speaking Howard was about a century younger than Vince, but physically was at least fifteen years Vince’s senior. Howard liked to think that it didn’t bother him – he was above such shallow things as age and appearance – but it was insufferable all the same. He was Vince Noir’s _husband_ , not his Dad.

Vince drained his glass of O Negative in one go, licking a drop from the corner of his mouth in a way that made Howard forget all about his old resentments. He downed his own drink, feeling pleasantly warm and full, and pulled Vince closer.

“I really have missed you, treasure,” he said, nuzzling Vince’s neck.

Vince hummed happily. “Missed you too, my love. Now we’ve had supper, I think it’s time we get reacquainted.”

“And with the flat to ourselves, you don’t have to be quiet.”

“Genius.”

They retired to their bedroom, taking their time to undress each other. Their kisses and touches were slow and intimate, the practiced moves of a couple that had been making love for _centuries_ and had yet to get bored of it. They crawled into bed, Vince pulling Howard on top of him and moaning as Howard kissed every inch of pale, creamy skin he could reach.

Howard had missed this more than mere words could express; the feel of Vince’s cool skin against his, the wonderfully sinful noises he made once Howard entered him, the desperate kisses that nearly five hundred years had failed to lessen the perfection of. He buried his face in Vince’s fragrant neck as they rocked together, both managing to contain themselves just enough not to break the bed – there was no way Naboo was going to shell out for yet another one – and as they neared their climaxes quicker than either of them would be willing to admit, Howard could feel his usually dormant fangs elongating, begging to pierce the pale flesh underneath them…

“Ohh God, Howard, I’m so fucking close… please… please, my love _,_ bite me… _bite me!”_

Howard let out a deep, animalistic growled and plunged his fangs into Vince’s neck, tasting their O Negative supper on his tongue along with the sweet, beautiful taste of pure Vince Noir. Vince moaned loudly, his own fangs sinking into Howard’s neck in turn as they both shuddered with their release.

Howard watched the puncture wounds on Vince’s neck slowly heal as they lay in each other’s arms, basking in the afterglow, the torn flesh knitting itself back together into smooth, pale perfection. He knew that the bite on his own neck was doing the same thing, but it probably wasn’t as beautiful to watch as Vince’s. Everything about Vince was beautiful, unchanged since they day they had met all those centuries ago. He was sunshine and moonbeams and starlight, too sweet to ever truly be a monster. He was the muse of countless artists, a rock star and a Botticelli angel all rolled into one…

“Howard, I can practically _hear_ you writing poetry in your head.”

“It wasn’t poetry! I was just… thinking about you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Thinking about how beautiful you are.”

“Oh really?”

“And how much I love you.”

Vince giggled and kissed Howard on the cheek. “Love you too. Promise me we won’t leave this flat all weekend, babe. The outside world can just bugger off for a couple days. I want it to be just you and me. Promise?”

“I promise, treasure,” said Howard, holding Vince closer. “It’ll be just you and me.”

If only it were so simple.


	2. Saturday Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vince's little sister decides to visit, and Howard struggles to keep the peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took me so long to update, a combination of real life and my own exhaustion has made writing so impossible. But I promised I would finish this fic and I will. Even if it takes me until the end of time, which seems likely.

Howard woke just as the sun had finally set. He felt uneasy, like he had just been shaken awake from a terrible nightmare… although he couldn’t remember what the nightmare had even been about. All he could remember was the feeling of impending doom, a sense of dread much more pronounced than his usual anxious paranoia.

He turned his head and was met with the sight of a pair of bright blue eyes staring unblinkingly at him – it would have taken his breath away, if he’d had any breath to take. Having a beautiful, naked Vince Noir beside him should have filled him with unparalleled joy, especially since he had spent far too long waking up alone, but the fact that Vince was even awake this early in the evening only served to make Howard feel even more troubled. 

“You had a bad dream too, yeah?” Vince whispered.

“Erm, yeah, little man,” Howard said carefully. “I don’t remember what it was about, but… well, it was only a dream, right?”

Vince chewed on his bottom lip and twisted a tuff of hair around his finger, like he always did when he was nervous. “Right… yeah, I mean, it was just a dream. It doesn’t mean… it can’t… no, it’s fine. Yeah, it’s cool, just a bad dream.”

Howard didn’t say anything, as understandably concerned as he was. He just accepted Vince’s good morning kiss with a smile. Dreams didn’t mean anything, after all. Except when they absolutely did. But _positive thinking_ and all that.

“C’mon, Howard, let’s have some breakfast,” said Vince, brightening up quite suddenly as he got out of bed and slipped into his favourite silk dressing gown. “I’m pretty sure there’s some of that well nice O Negative leftover from yesterday.”

Howard got up and wrapped himself in his tweed dressing gown, stepping into his slippers before following Vince out of the bedroom at a leisurely pace. He was just trying to figure out what they _both_ could have possibly dreamt about, when he was stopped dead in his tracks by what met them in the living room. So much for a quiet weekend…

Stood in the middle of the living room was a small, dark haired woman, decked out in lacy, fashionable Goth clothes complete with fishnets and a black top hat. She poured the last few drops of O Negative into a stained wine glass and drank it in one gulp, smirking as she spotted Vince and Howard.

“You boys have got the good stuff,” she said, placing the glass and the empty bottle on the coffee table. “Although there’s nothing quite like drinking from the source.”

“Annie!” said Vince, his cheerfulness only sounding slightly forced. “What are you doing here?”

Their guest grinned, revealing a set of long, sharp fangs. “Do I _really_ need a reason so visit you, big bro?”

“Well, no, of course not,” said Vince, letting the shorter woman pull him into a tight hug. “A bit of a heads up would’ve been nice though.”

“Didn’t you get my message?”

Vince frowned a little bit. “Of course that was you… you could’ve just phoned me, yeah? You know I hate that dream thing.”

“And where’s the fun in that?” she laughed, before looking over at Howard with an arched eyebrow. “Hello, Howard.”

Howard narrowed his eyes. “Hello, _Annette_.”

“It’s _Anthrax_ , actually,” she said with a glare.

“Oh, you’ve named yourself after a poison now,” said Howard scathingly. “That seems fitting.”

“And what is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Hey, Annie!” said Vince, desperate to defuse the tension. “You haven’t introduced us to your friend.”

Howard hadn’t even realised there was someone else in the flat, but once he stopped staring daggers at Anthrax and actually focused he finally noticed the sound of a very human heartbeat in the room. Sat in the corner and watching the three vampires with an unreadable, faraway expression was a young woman dressed all in black, with blonde hair and a milky white contact lens in one eye. Her pale white skin was a combination of makeup, a lack of sunlight and poor health, and her neck was dotted with puncture marks in various degrees of healing. Everything about her made Howard incredibly sad.

“Oh, yes,” said Anthrax, stepping over to the girl and placing a possessive hand on her shoulder. “This is my new girlfriend, Ebola.” (Howard rolled his eyes at yet another ridiculous name). “Ebola, darling, this is my dear big brother, Vince. And that total freak beside him is his so-called husband, Howard.”

“What do you mean _so-called_ husband?” Howard couldn’t help but say resentfully. “You were present for at least three of our weddings, for God’s sake…”

It was the gentle touch of his hand from Vince that stopped Howard from completely going off on one, but he could feel a frustration-induced headache coming on. She was always like this, Annette – or _Anthrax_ , as she insisted on calling herself now. Howard wanted to be civil for Vince’s sake, but that damn girl just knew how to rub him up the wrong way. Wherever Annette Noir went, trouble tended to follow, and Howard was just not in the mood for this shit.

“It’s nice to meet you, Ebola,” said Vince with a pleasant smile. “How’d you guys meet?”

“It was at that Goth club, the Black Spider,” said Anthrax, before Ebola could say anything. “A couple of weeks ago. A bit of a whirlwind romance, y’know? She’d never met anyone with _real_ fangs before.”  

“Hang on, _the Black Spider?”_ said Vince with a frown. “That’s in Kentish Town. You’ve been in London all this time?”

“Well, yeah,” said Anthrax with a shrug. “Just passing through, of course. I wanted to visit you but you were out of the country, so I thought I’d just wait. Ebola’s really helped me to pass the time until you got back though.” She sat on the arm of the chair and held Ebola, looking at Vince with a predatory smile. “You should have a taste of her, Vincey. A Positive. Not as hard to come by as your good stuff, but an excellent flavour, you’d love it.”

Vince looked uncomfortable. If he could blush, he would’ve been. “Erm…”

“Pretty sure we’ve been over this before,” Howard said irritably. “But we don’t do that.”

“And you shouldn’t either, really,” said Vince. “No offence to your girlfriend or anything, but drinking from the source is well dangerous these days. You don’t know where that blood’s been, do you? Remember the time you drank from that manky old sailor and got sick for a week, it was a right fiasco.”

“Not to mention the fact that disposing of a corpse isn’t as easy as it used to be,” Howard added quietly.

Anthrax groaned and rolled her eyes dramatically. “Ugh, c’mon! You used to be fun, Vince, but I see that bloody husband of yours is starting to rub off on your personality.”

Howard shook his head, holding back a barrage of comments by going into the kitchen area to make myself and Vince some breakfast. Unfortunately, he could still hear the conversation going on behind him.

“Y’know, I always thought you could do better, Vincey,” said Anthrax, as Vince sat on the sofa and rolled his eyes. “You were only about 90-something, _way_ too young to be getting hitched, especially to _that._ ”

“Can you maybe not refer to my husband as _that?_ ”

“You had so many options, big bro. You were the Great Confuser, fancied by all, the muse of countless artists and musicians the world over, you still are in fact. And yet you settled for a tall, Northern jazz freak with a moustache and no dress sense.”

“That kinda thing is only really okay when I say it, Annie…”

“I’m a bit confused,” piped up the quiet, wispy and slightly bored sounding voice of Ebola. Howard was slightly taken aback to actually hear her speak. “How can vampires be related to each other?”

“We’re as related as it’s possible to be, darling,” Anthrax explained with a surprising amount of patience. “Vince was my big brother back when we were human. And then we were Changed by the same vampire too. Remember, Vincey?”

“Erm… not really.”

“Nonsense!” Anthrax laughed. “Of course you remember! I know we’re old as hell, but we’re not _that_ old. He always says this when I bring up our Changing, Ebola, pay no attention.”

Howard could feel Vince’s mood shifting, that dark cloud threatening to pass over the entire flat. She was always like this, Howard’s dratted, damnable sister-in-law! She claimed to be closer to Vince than anyone, but she always failed to notice when she was making her brother distressed. Howard rushed back to the sofa, sitting beside his husband and offering him some warm AB Negative in his favourite Rolling Stones mug, which Vince took gratefully.

“Maybe we should change the subject, eh?” said Howard, glaring at Anthrax.

“Oh, quiet, Howard,” said Anthrax dismissively, twirling a lock of Ebola’s blonde hair around her finger. “My girlfriend wants to know a little bit more about my brother and I, so _obviously_ I’m going to tell her.”

Howard reached for Vince’s trembling free hand, holding it tightly as Anthrax began to tell their story to Ebola with an annoyingly fond smile on her face. Howard had only heard the story of Vincent and Annette Noir and their Changing just once, when he was still a mortal man himself, and it had pained Vince to tell it.

 

_“We lived in the forest, my sister and me, somewhere in Northern France. I can’t remember exactly where anymore. Our Ma died giving birth to Annie and Pa raised us as best he could, even though we never had any money. We did alright though, and we were happy. I could still talk to animals even back then, so I made loads of friends in the woods. Pa used called me_ Soleil Enfant _, his Sunshine Kid, said I reminded him of Ma. I got her eyes and her smile, and his big old hooter. It was nice in the forest…._

_“But then there was one really bad winter. We couldn’t keep out the cold and the snow in our little cottage. What little food there was Pa gave to me and Annie, but we were still almost starving. And then Pa got sick. And when the snow melted he didn’t get any better. And then… and then me and Annie were all alone._

_“I tried my best to provide for us both, but I was only young myself, barely passed my twenties. I made a load of bad choices, I know that now. I know I shouldn’t have trusted him – please don’t ask me what his name was, I don’t even want to_ think _his name. I was so stupid to trust him, but we were so hungry and… he was nice. He offered us food and somewhere warm to sleep, and Annie was starting to get sick too, I couldn’t lose her and all. I would’ve done anything, but I didn’t think… I never even imagined…”_

_“You do not have to tell me this, Vince. Not if it’s too difficult.”_

_“No, Howard, you need to know. You need to understand. Him, and all his friends – they called themselves a coven – they kept us alive for months. I didn’t get why they didn’t just kill us and get it over with. I think they just liked to watch us suffer. And he said… he said we were too beautiful to die. I barely remember any of that time, I don’t think my mind will let me. I just remember the pain, and the fear. Finally, he decided to Change us, right in front of all his coven. It was_ horrible _. And then when we were… when it was done… there was a young girl from the village, and he made us… they all laughed… we were new-born, we couldn’t stop ourselves, we were so thirsty.”_

_“Oh, little man…”_

_“I don’t like to think about it, it gives me such bad dreams. That’s why I can’t Change you, Howard, not yet anyway. You’re so alive and pure and perfect as you are, I don’t want to ruin you. I need you to be sure, I need it to be entirely your choice. I don’t want to hurt you like I was hurt, my love. I don’t want to give you bad dreams.”_

 

“…anyway,” Anthrax continued casually. “After all that, we stayed with the coven for a while. At least until Vincey ran off on his own. I stuck around for a few years though. They were lovely, that coven. Always made sure we were well fed _and_ well entertained. They loved to play with their food, it was such fun – “

“Hey, we should go out,” Howard suddenly interrupted, desperate to change the bloody subject.

Vince’s eyes had gone glossy and empty, his hold so tight on his husband’s hand that Howard could feel his bones starting to crack. But at Howard’s words his vice-like grip eased and his shook himself out of his reverie.

“Wait, you – you wanna go out?” he said in quiet confusion.

“Yes, yes,” said Howard, forcing himself to sound cheerful. “We might as well, since we have guests. No use staying cooped up in the flat.”

Anthrax clearly didn’t appreciate being so rudely interrupted, if her ugly frown was anything to go by, but Howard couldn’t have cared less. Vince was starting to look more like himself, like the vampire made of sunshine that Howard had fallen in love with all those centuries ago.

“Well, I did buy some genius new clothes while I was in Berlin,” said Vince, perking up at the thought of getting all dressed up. “And it’s Goth Night at the Velvet Onion, so we’ll fit right in. No one will even ask why we’re wearing sunglasses.”

Howard couldn’t think of anything worse than Goth Night at the Velvet Onion, if he was being honest. But he would have done anything to put the smile back on his treasure’s face. Even if it meant putting up with a crowded night club full of humans and his damn _sister-in-law_.


End file.
